Barcelona’s new away kit

It’s like someone went to a rave, took some MDMA, ate a glow stick and then threw up.

Why your Premier League club is so interested in Eden Hazard

Belgium is probably more known for it’s chocolate than it’s footballers but arguably, all this is about to change.

Last night, in Hazard’s last game Lille, the Belgian scored a hat-trick and then did the customary end of season walk round and clap so that everyone can feel good about the lack of achievement by their club that season, otherwise they’d have a bus wouldn’t they?

Surprisingly though, Hazard didn’t seem that emotional, he just seemed to know. His time was up here, he’d outgrown it by a long way and it was inevitable that he’d probably follow his other former teammates, Gervinho and Yohan Cabaye, to the Premier League at some stage. Especially considering he’s the best of the bunch.

When you look at Hazard’s family though, it’s not surprising that he became a professional footballer. His mother was a striker in the Women’s Belgian First Division, whilst his father played semi-professionally. Eden even used to live next door to a training ground and went their often with his 3 brothers, all of whom are trying to make it professionally as well, with the most promising probably being Thorgan Hazard.

Eden played for Belgian club Tubize until the age of 14 before he was scouted by Lille. No-one would have expected though that two years later he would be making his full debut for the side. From there, Hazard has improved at a rapid rate. This is in no small part down to Hazard’s coach of the last four years, Rudi Garcia. As The Clash once said, Rudi can’t fail and I think many at Lille would agree with this. He has brought through many good, young players culminating in his title win in the 2010-11 season. Unfortunately for Rudi though, Lille aren’t a very rich club and they’re in a league which is decreasing in quality, despite the best efforts of the riches of PSG, and so his squad was quickly decimated making their third place finish this season all the more impressive.

With all the key players of last season departing, including Moussa Sow in January, Lille’s top scorer, the onus fell on Hazard. And, as with any top player, he stepped up massively and ended up contributing to 50% of Lille’s goals this season with 20 goals and 16 assists. It’s not a huge surprise then that he ended up winning the UNFP Player of the Year award and also got into Ligue 1′s team of the year for the third time running.

For supporters wondering how he will fit into their systems, Hazard is an attacking midfielder who can play all across the pitch. For Manchester City he would fit into one of the attacking midfield roles, which David Silva and Samir Nasri usually occupy. For Manchester United he would fit into one of the winger roles and for Chelsea he could play in any of their attacking roles in any of their 4-3-3 variants.

Hazard though, where ever he plays, will always hunt the ball, this either down to his self confidence/arrogance or just the knowledge that when he does receive the ball he inevitably makes things happen. He likes to receive the ball with his front to goal so that he can either try and dribble through defences and get a shot away, or play a pass through or over the defence for a clear cut opportunity for a team mate. If Hazard has any weakness though, it is probably his defensive contribution but as his attacking one is so strong I doubt Fergie/Mancini/whoeverAbramovichfinallyfuckingbringsin will care that much.

Eden Hazard then would be a good player for any side in the world and at the age of 21, he will only get better.

Chelsea v Barcelona and the importance of luck in knock-out competitions

In many types of gambling players often refer to something called “variance”. This word is often used when a player has taken the optimum play or bet but has ended losing anyway. An example of this could be going “all in” with pocket aces when your opponent has gone all in with pocket kings. There is an 80% chance that you’ll win and so it is the correct thing to do.

What people don’t often realise though, is this also happens in sports. Any team can beat any other team on any particular day. This could happen for a large amount reasons; star striker being injured, first choice goalkeeper suspended or even a lack of concentration. However, for all of these things to simultaneously happen all at once, it comes down to luck.

This chance that the best team won’t always win often means that the best team will not always win the trophy. If we look at the last two League Cup winners, Liverpool and Birmingham, I doubt anyone would challenge the fact that these two sides were not the best two sides in their respective seasons. There is a fair argument that the League Cup is as worthless Theo Walcott without pace but even in the FA cup there has been winners of questionable quality. Like Portsmouth in 2008 or even West Ham, who came close to winning it in 2006, and were only stopped by Steven Gerrard doing this. The so called “magic of the cup” could arguably just be variance.

This variance happens in every competition but the smaller the tournament, the more likely it is that it will affect the winner. This is why you rarely see the best team not winning the league as there are enough games in the season to mean that the variance becomes non-existent. As Alec Ferguson said, everyone gets the same amount of luck come the end of the season.

Variance arguably cost Barcelona last night. I’d argue that most of the time Messi would have stuck away his penalty, at least half the time Ramires would have missed his one-on-one with Victor Valdez and most of the time Barcelona would have scored at Stamford Bridge after 6 shots on target, earning them the all important away goal.

This isn’t to say Chelsea didn’t deserve their win last night but they still got their pocket Kings all in against Barcelona’s pocket aces.

The most overrated players in the Premiership part 3

The first two parts of this series can be found here;

http://itsaballnotabomb.wordpress.com/2012/04/03/the-most-overrated-players-in-the-premiership-part-1/

http://itsaballnotabomb.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/the-most-overrated-players-in-the-premiership-part-2/

8. Jamie Carragher

For a man who is fast approaching 500 appearances for Liverpool, you would think I’d be more likely to be singing his praises rather than laughing at his consistent ability to be Liverpool’s worst defender. However, that’s not the case.

“Carra” has been loved by the Kop ever since he started playing for them in central midfield in 1996. Here, in lies the problem. Liverpool fans, as much as any supporters if not more, unconditionally love their own. Their inability to see the truth though, rather than their scouser reality, has often cost footballers playing time, or cost managers their job.

The reality is though, that Carragher is fucking shit. He’s slow, mistake prone, lacks technical ability and tries too hard. He’s just lucky he’s been carried by good centre backs all his career.

38 England caps. A few of those are from fucking right back as well.

Tournament	Apps	Tackle	Int	Fouls	Off Won	Clr	Was Dribbled	Blk Shots	OG
Premier League*	16(2)	1.1	0.7	0.2	0.4	4.9	0.1	0.4	-

9. Rory Delap

I’m happy to stick my neck out and say this guy is in the top ten worst “footballers” to play in the Premier League.

A midfielder by trade, but a slingshot in reality, Delap doesn’t do much. What he does do though is run about a fair bit and look like he is doing something, where as in reality he is doing next to fuck all but just preparing his arms for the next  fucking launch into the box.

Maybe, if he had learnt how to pass and where to position himself then he wouldn’t be on this list. Instead though, he’s probably got more assists with his hands rather than his feet.

He once received the Sir Stanley Matthews Potteries Footballer of the Year in 2009. Absolutely fucking ridiculous.

11 Irish caps and over 300 Premier League appearances.

Tournament	Apps	Goals	Assists	Yellow	Red	SpG	PS%	AW	MoM
Premier League*	16(7)	2	-	4	-	0.6	67.5	0.6	-

10. Emile Heskey

The name has become used as a byword for shit player in recent years, especially on FIFA.

Before this though, Heskey had already broken Liverpool’s transfer record when he was signed for 11 million pounds on the 20 March, 2000. He even makes Andy Carroll seem like reasonable business.

But why has Heskey been able to do this. Firstly, as with many others on this list he started his career young; secondly he’s always been in the Premier League and so has always been seen as a “Premier League striker”, which is fucking nonsense; thirdly, he’s English; fourthly, he runs about a bit which gained him the reputation as a “trier”, and fifthly he is seen as not the goalscorer but the one who allows the goalscorer to score.

Apparently his ability to distract is worth 541 first team appearances and 62 appearances for England.

Tournament	Apps	Goals	Assists	Shots	Key Passes	Dribbles	Fouls	Offs	Disp	Trn
Premier League*	14(9)	1	-	0.9	0.2	-	0.5	0.1	0.6	1

Follow me on twitter @ballnotabomb

Statistics from whoscored.com

The most overrated players in the Premiership part 2

4. Jonathon Woodgate

Tottenham, Newcastle, Real Madrid, England caps. His career runs like one of the best defenders of his generation. In reality, he is anything but. Horrifically exposed as being shit when he went to Real Madrid for the sum of 13.4 million pounds. For any other club this would be a costly mistake, but I doubt many Madrid fans even remember him to be honest unless he is used for as a byword for “shit defender”, which is highly possible. He was voted as the worst signing of the 21st century by readers of Marca after all.

How the fuck has he done it then? He is notoriously dim witted. For example, he once smashed a pint glass on his head on a night out then just left the bar and walked home. And it definitely isn’t down to his ability. However, he started his career young, at Leeds again, and was quickly liked by the press as he was English. It also helped that he played Champions League football whilst at Leeds, another ridiculous thought if you look at him now. Anyone know who is playing along side him at the time? Future England captain Rio Ferdinand or Lucas Radebe, arguably Leed’s greatest defender.

In fairness though, I have to highlight how many injuries Woodgate has had. Without these he would arguably be a couple of yards quicker and not at Stoke.

8 England caps.

Tournament	Apps	Tackle	Int	Fouls	Off Won	Clr	Was Dribbled	Blk Shots	OG
Premier League*	16(1)	1.9	1.4	0.9	0.6	7.6	0.5	0.4	1

5. Philip Neville

Ferguson got rid of Neville when he thought he had passed his peak. That was seven years ago. A redeeming factor about Phil is that he can play in pretty much any position. The problem with this though is that he nearly always gets in the team. He’s even managed to get himself the captaincy at Goodison Park. Whether this is because David Moyes is using him for a social experiment or just boosting his value so he can sell him on, it remains to be seen, because let’s face it, Moyes normally knows what he’s doing.

I was going to use this section to talk about something Philip was good at or used to be good at but I really can’t think of anything. He has a Dad called Neville Neville, so he provides a joke in the pub, but that is it. He is just shit. Really bog standardly shit. He always has been and he always will be.

He also played for England 59 times.

Tournament	Apps	Tackle	Int	Fouls	Off Won	Clr	Was Dribbled	Blk Shots	OG
Premier League*	21(3)	1	1.3	1.1	0.1	1.7	0.6	0.3	1

6. Kevin Davies

Remember a time when Kevin Nolan and Kevin Davies were seen as the answer to England’s problems with international football. Thank fuck that is over. But for some reason Kevin Davies is still in the Premier League. Once a plodder, always a plodder, I doubt Kevin Davies get up in the morning and thinks he’s Cristiano Ronaldo but I think some of his managers have done.

Kevin Davies has played 578 games at first team level and scored a 110 goals. That is a ratio of less than 1 in 5 at an average of 0.19 goals a match. That is fairly shit for any attacking player but one that has had an top flight career spanning over a decade, that is a fucking piss take. How has he got away with it? He’s English, looks like he tries hard and enjoys a pie and is a bit of a cunt as he fouls a lot.

There’s a running theme here.

1 England cap.

Tournament	Apps	Assists	Key Passes	Avg. Passes	Pass Suc%
Premier League*	16(9)	2	1	27.8	56.6

7. Dirk Kuyt

Little Miss Piggy joined Liverpool for around 11 million pounds after a fairly decent spell in Holland for Feyenoord where he played up front. Using his wisdom Benitez then whacked him on the right wing, where he has played ever since.

There really seems to be no logic for Kuyt’s move out wide. He can’t cross, he’s not quick, he can’t dribble and he doesn’t utilise space. What he fucking does do though, as every single fucking commentator or analyst fucking says every time he fucking plays, is run a lot. Kuyt probably never walks, even when he takes the bins out, which is ironic considering the club he plays for.

The fact that Kuyt always runs though makes up for the fact he does fuck all else. It also helps him that he takes penalties, which are the easiest opportunities to score from in a game, making his goal tally seem better than it should be. Which may give us some reason for why he has 85 fucking Dutch caps. To put that in perspective Johan Cruyff, Holland’s greatest ever footballer, has 45.

How the fuck do they do it.

Tournament	Apps	Goals	Assists	Shots	Key Passes	Dribbles
Premier League*	20(9)	2	1	1.5	1.2	0.4

Chance conversion rate of 5%. One in 20 shots goes in. 85 Dutch caps.

Statistics come from WhoScored.com.

Why we should start appreciating Messi, Ronaldo and Barcelona

Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are both in the top 5 players the world has ever seen.

In 30 years, and in Messi’s case in 80 years time people will still be going on about these guys. They will be still be mentioned in newspapers and blogs all around the world and people will scramble to find any footage they can on both of them.

For example imagine if you were 16 now and you read something on Ronaldo’s free kick taking technique. How he created a new technique where he ran up to the ball square on and thumped it producing a ridiculous amount of swirl, dip, and most importantly power. I know I would be looking it up straight away.

Or if you had heard of Messi’s 5 goals in one Champions League match. Who wouldn’t want to find the match and watch it if they were a football fan?

What I propose then, instead of watching Wolves v Stoke City or Manchester United v West Brom we should watch any match which involves either of these two players. Now I know they are both still relatively young, but people said that about Marco Van Basten and look what happened to him.

However, it is not only Messi and Ronaldo that we are watching for. We are also watching the teams around them. I can’t remember a more balanced, more threatening and more eye catching Real Madrid than this. And with Jose Mourinho at the helm, the entertainment value is always there. Then there is Barcelona, arguably the greatest club side the world has ever seen. I shouldn’t have to try and convince you to watch these lot in the first place but I will. If you have ever seen a Barcelona heat map after a match identifying the average positions of the players, it often indicates that they only played with one true defender. The rest, as orchestrated by Pepe Guardiola and fed through by Xavi and Busquets, are allowed to move forward if they see fit and if it is the right time to do so. This is ultra attacking football, not seen since arguably the best club team of all time; Ajax in the early ’70′s. And you know how much you’ve heard about that team.

Just watch Barcelona and Real Madrid whenever you can, you’ll be happy you did and so will your grandkids.

The most overrated players in the Premiership part 1

Most would immediately jump at this question shouting “Torres” or “Carroll” followed by some joke about a banjo or a barn door. This would be really fucking funny but I’m not going to do that.

So what makes an overrated player? Normally it’s the press. The player may have a famous surname or just be a fairly nice guy(or a snitch) who gives the hacks what they want and in return they get higher ratings. For example, have you ever wondered why that guy is your boss when he is an incompetent prick, or why a certain person is in a position of power? Essentially it comes down to arse licking and some are just better at it than others.

This in the order I thought of them, they aren’t ranked.

1. Jordan Henderson.

He is the sort of midfielder or doesn’t really do anything, he is not a metronomic passer, he doesn’t weigh in with 15 goals a season, nor does he get a decent amount of assists plus he is fairly shit defensively. However, what he does do is run about a lot and be English, both good traits to become overrated. The guy is also, according to Liverpool, worth 20 million. Fucking ridiculous.

Tournament	Apps	Goals	Assists	Shots	Key Passes	Dribbles	Fouls	Offs	Disp	Trn	Rating
Premier League*	24(6)	1	1	1	0.8	0.4	0.2	0.2	1.1	0.7	6.51

2. Cameron Jerome

Yes, he is tall. Yes, he is reasonably fast. Yes, he is a fucking terrible player. So why the fuck is this fella still in the top flight? Either Tony Pulis really does have a sense of humour(and a soul) and that nose eyebrow thing was drawn on all along or it highlights the idiocy which is still rife in football.

The fact that Jerome’s whole career has been based around when he started out at Cardiff and scored roughly one in three is also fucking mental. Are coaches and scouts really looking at this guy and thinking he was decent once, that means he will be really good for us and worth this 4 million(what Stoke paid in the summer) that we are spending on him. Billy Beane complained that his scouts were picking players on the fact that they looked like athletes rather than their ability on the field. Jerome is the epitome of this.

He is also the worst finisher I’ve ever seen. So why the fuck is he played up front?

Tournament	Apps	Goals	Assists	Shots	Key Passes	Dribbles	Fouls	Offs	Disp	Trn	Rating
Premier League*	6(11)	3	1	1.2	0.2	0.1	0.6	0.4	0.7	1	6.19

3. Paul Robinson

He once played for England and he scored once for Spurs. Shame he is fucking shit. The guy is as incapable as anyone in goal. What redeems his career though is that he started at Leeds United very young. When players do this they gain reputations as being good teenagers, which of course means that they are good players. However, the reality is they are average teenagers who are appreciated by the fans which are then sold on and have the price tag behind them giving them a false sense of worth. England caps help his cause as well.

He hasn’t been helped this season by a poor defence in front of him, but it only serves to highlight how shit he is rather than protect him and any other potential buyers from his true ability.

2 clean sheets all season.

Statistics courtesy of whoscored.com a fucking brilliant site.