The most overrated players in the Premiership part 2

4. Jonathon Woodgate

Tottenham, Newcastle, Real Madrid, England caps. His career runs like one of the best defenders of his generation. In reality, he is anything but. Horrifically exposed as being shit when he went to Real Madrid for the sum of 13.4 million pounds. For any other club this would be a costly mistake, but I doubt many Madrid fans even remember him to be honest unless he is used for as a byword for “shit defender”, which is highly possible. He was voted as the worst signing of the 21st century by readers of Marca after all.

How the fuck has he done it then? He is notoriously dim witted. For example, he once smashed a pint glass on his head on a night out then just left the bar and walked home. And it definitely isn’t down to his ability. However, he started his career young, at Leeds again, and was quickly liked by the press as he was English. It also helped that he played Champions League football whilst at Leeds, another ridiculous thought if you look at him now. Anyone know who is playing along side him at the time? Future England captain Rio Ferdinand or Lucas Radebe, arguably Leed’s greatest defender.

In fairness though, I have to highlight how many injuries Woodgate has had. Without these he would arguably be a couple of yards quicker and not at Stoke.

8 England caps.

Tournament	Apps	Tackle	Int	Fouls	Off Won	Clr	Was Dribbled	Blk Shots	OG
Premier League*	16(1)	1.9	1.4	0.9	0.6	7.6	0.5	0.4	1

5. Philip Neville

Ferguson got rid of Neville when he thought he had passed his peak. That was seven years ago. A redeeming factor about Phil is that he can play in pretty much any position. The problem with this though is that he nearly always gets in the team. He’s even managed to get himself the captaincy at Goodison Park. Whether this is because David Moyes is using him for a social experiment or just boosting his value so he can sell him on, it remains to be seen, because let’s face it, Moyes normally knows what he’s doing.

I was going to use this section to talk about something Philip was good at or used to be good at but I really can’t think of anything. He has a Dad called Neville Neville, so he provides a joke in the pub, but that is it. He is just shit. Really bog standardly shit. He always has been and he always will be.

He also played for England 59 times.

Tournament	Apps	Tackle	Int	Fouls	Off Won	Clr	Was Dribbled	Blk Shots	OG
Premier League*	21(3)	1	1.3	1.1	0.1	1.7	0.6	0.3	1

6. Kevin Davies

Remember a time when Kevin Nolan and Kevin Davies were seen as the answer to England’s problems with international football. Thank fuck that is over. But for some reason Kevin Davies is still in the Premier League. Once a plodder, always a plodder, I doubt Kevin Davies get up in the morning and thinks he’s Cristiano Ronaldo but I think some of his managers have done.

Kevin Davies has played 578 games at first team level and scored a 110 goals. That is a ratio of less than 1 in 5 at an average of 0.19 goals a match. That is fairly shit for any attacking player but one that has had an top flight career spanning over a decade, that is a fucking piss take. How has he got away with it? He’s English, looks like he tries hard and enjoys a pie and is a bit of a cunt as he fouls a lot.

There’s a running theme here.

1 England cap.

Tournament	Apps	Assists	Key Passes	Avg. Passes	Pass Suc%
Premier League*	16(9)	2	1	27.8	56.6

7. Dirk Kuyt

Little Miss Piggy joined Liverpool for around 11 million pounds after a fairly decent spell in Holland for Feyenoord where he played up front. Using his wisdom Benitez then whacked him on the right wing, where he has played ever since.

There really seems to be no logic for Kuyt’s move out wide. He can’t cross, he’s not quick, he can’t dribble and he doesn’t utilise space. What he fucking does do though, as every single fucking commentator or analyst fucking says every time he fucking plays, is run a lot. Kuyt probably never walks, even when he takes the bins out, which is ironic considering the club he plays for.

The fact that Kuyt always runs though makes up for the fact he does fuck all else. It also helps him that he takes penalties, which are the easiest opportunities to score from in a game, making his goal tally seem better than it should be. Which may give us some reason for why he has 85 fucking Dutch caps. To put that in perspective Johan Cruyff, Holland’s greatest ever footballer, has 45.

How the fuck do they do it.

Tournament	Apps	Goals	Assists	Shots	Key Passes	Dribbles
Premier League*	20(9)	2	1	1.5	1.2	0.4

Chance conversion rate of 5%. One in 20 shots goes in. 85 Dutch caps.

Statistics come from WhoScored.com.